LOST: The Substitute

And the season is finally REALLY started! So glad we didn't have to wait too long for the Locke-centric Sideways! Let's start with the sideways reality:

2004
How sad for Locke - he is stuck on the mechanised ramp on his van.  And instead of asking for help (because as it turns out HELEN aka Peg Bundy aka Katey Segal is waiting inside) he decides to jump it like he's on skis. Then to add insult to injury, once he is face flat on the grass, the sprinklers turn on. Sad sack Locke! But Helen takes him in and gets him in the bath. Hurray for all you Locke lovers, I guess. Which brings me to the first WTF moment of the episode. Helen and Locke are planning their wedding (woo!) and she is so overwhelmed with the details she says why don't they just get her parents and his DAD (?!?!?!?!) and elope.  HIS DAD?!?!?! And he didn't immediately punch her when she said it, so I'm guessing we are good with Anthony Cooper in this reality. So then how did Locke become paralyzed? Going to go ahead and assume it wasn't from Dad pushing him out a window this time! While John continues to soak in the tub, Helen finds Jack's card and prattles on about "destiny" and I half expect John to jump out of the tub (please don't! don't want to see little john!!) hollering in agreement, but nope.  He practically rolls his eyes at her. John goes to work, where it is discovered he didn't go to that convention but instead tried unsuccessfully to go on a walkabout. (Kate may have face murder charges with the no plane crash reality, but John has to go back to work and face his boss!!) Randy the douche fires Locke, who rolls out of the building to find his van is being blocked by a big yellow Hummer.  It is only a surprise to people who have not been paying attention the last 6 years when Hurley comes out of nowhere to claim ownership to the Hummer.  Hurley points out that John could have just pointed in the handicapped spot, which John, again, basically rolls his eyes at. I have to point out that super happy "everything in my life is perfect" Hurley kinda freaks me out. He sends John to a temp agency he owns where we find Rose.  I had all but forgotten that pre-island, Rose had terminal cancer. I cried a little at the re-reveal. (I cry at everything, to be fair. I get a little misty seeing Emilie de Ravin's name in the credits again!) It seems this John is willing to take a healthy dose of reality when she says he can't go work at a construction site.  Though didn't we all expect the "Don't tell me what I can't do!!" battlecry? Don't worry, cuz we will get to that. At home Oceanic delivers Locke's missing metal suitcase which can only be holding a weapon of some sort, so I'm a little surprised at Helen for being so shocked when she opens the suitcase to find a whole mess of knives! Has she never seen a movie? Anyway, Locke explains the walkabout debacle, and in a big change from original-recipe Locke, he agrees that he couldn't do it.  Crazy. This reality is nuts. Last, we see Locke as a substitute teacher and who should he come upon in the teachers lounge but his ol' island frenemy, Benjamin Linus.  Wearing creepy glasses. I'm scared.

2007
We start this reality with crazy-ass SmokeyCam. He checks in on Sawyer, but makes his first visit to Richard. I have never seen Richard look so scared.  He always seemed slightly indifferent. MIB tries the "join my team" speech on Richard, but he ain't having it. MIB sees what is possibly the creepiest kid ever in the woods with what looks like bloody hands and looks freaked out about it. But, I'll get back to my toughts on the kid later. Richard runs and MIB decides to go see Sawyer instead. Back at the beach Ilana is in the foot cavern crying over her dead friends.  When she asks Ben what happens, he tells her, but the whole "Locke turned into a black smoke monster and killed them" seems like a ridiculous story and I can't tell if Ilana really buys it. They (Ilana, Frank, Sun and Ben) decide they need to go to the Temple to be safe, but Sun, being the wonderful woman she is,  says they can't go until they bury the real John Locke, who is looking increasingly gross as he bleaches in the sun. The crab crawling on his head was a nice touch.  Ick. As they approach the island cemetary, I get a little weepy again thinking of all the people buried there.  I miss Boone, Shannon, Eko, Libby, even Ana Lucia! I don't miss Nikki and Paulo.  Even Team Darlton doesn't miss them! Anyway, as always there is the awkward moment of who is going to eulogize the most recent dead person.  This time it is fittingly Ben, who probably knew him best, "John Locke was a believer. He was a man of faith. He was a much better man than I will ever be. And I'm very sorry I murdered him."  Well, um, awkward! Classic Ben. Though nothing is better than Frank's reaction, "This is the weirdest damn funeral I've ever been to."  Ain't that the truth, Frank! Anyway, back to MIB and Sawyer.  Sawyer has gone down the tubes since Kate left mere hours ago. He is looking like crap, as much as Josh Holloway can look like crap anyway. In possibly the best moment of the episode, besides the reveal, of course, Sawyer cuts right through the BS and tells the man in front of him that he is not Locke.  Fantastic! Ben and Richard, arguably the two most knowledgable men on the island, spent days thinking it was Locke, and drunk Sawyer spots him as a fraud in 5 minutes! Takes a con to know a con, I guess. Since Sawyer is drunk and depressed he willingly follow MIB into the jungle. While out there they spot the kid again, and MIB is surprised that Sawyer can see him --- interesting! Thoughts on who the kid is? My immediate two thoughts: Aaron or Jacob. The kid is blonde, for one. And Aaron and Jacob seem to be two of the most important people on the island.  MIB chases the kid into the jungle and the kid says, "You can't kill him."  Creepy! Is Jacob not really dead? And in a fun twist, MIB's answer is, "Don't tell me what I can't do!" CHILLS! Meanwhile, Richard finds Sawyer and tell him that MIB just wants to kill him and everyone he cares about.  Let me just say here, I call foreshadowing.  We are hurdling towards the finish line here, and it's not like the actors have contracts that go beyond May 23.  They can start killing anyone and everyone.  There is no guaranteed happy ending for anyone on this show. Remember I said this in a minute, cuz I have more to say about it. Sawyer still follows MIB, albeit with a slightly more weary face. They head down a cliff and Sawyer nearly dies on the shady ladders. I'm thinking MIB set it up to save him, to help earn points.  When they get to the cave there is a scale with a white and black rock in balance.  MIB tosses the white rock (jacob) out into the water. Sawyer asks what that was about, and MIB answers, "Inside joke." HA! Once they are in the cave we find the names of everyone written on the walls, most crossed out.  All but six.  Which are numbered. 

4- Locke
8- Reyes (Hurley)
15- Ford (Sawyer)
16- Jarrah (Sayid)
23- Shephard
42- Kwon (Sun or Jin, it's unclear at this point)

THEY ARE THE NUMBERS!! AHHHHH!!!!  Crazy. It's not only what the numbers mean, but why they are all here.  (Now, those numbers were being put into the computer long before Oceanic 815 crashed, so there must be more to it, BUT STILL!) Notice, that Kate is not on the list. This is apparently the list Jacob made to see who should take over as keeper of the island.  Now remember how I said I think there will be deaths, at least in one of the realities? Well, my fear/guess is that all but one will die.  But who? We're already down one, maybe two, depending on how "alive" Sayid really is.  MIB tells sawyer he can 1- ignore it and see what happens. 2- stay and guard the cave like jacob or 3- go with him and try to get home, wherever that may be.  Sawyer, always the one to go against the grain, chooses 3.  And score one for team MIB.

Can I just say, HOLY CRAP that was a good episode.  My mind was totally blown.  I have no idea what is going on, but after that doozy of an episode I'm more than ever willing to accept what Darlton brings me.  Those crazy lying bastards who told us repeatedly over that past 6 years not to worry about the numbers, we will never get that answer.  Bastards.  But wonderful genius bastards who I will follow to the very end. 

Thoughts, comments? Anything I forgot? It's hard to take notes and remember everything.